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Oh Look a Squirrel…

2015/05/31

Human Flesh-Craving Squirrels Are Attacking MTA Workers

Earlier this month, a squirrel in the Bronx bit an MTA worker’s finger, sending her to the hospital. Now, it appears squirrels have developed a taste for salty, delectable people flesh—a second MTA worker has been attacked by a squirrel, this time in the train car of a Coney Island-bound Q train. It’s unclear whether the same squirrel was coming back for seconds, or if the city’s squirrel population has teamed up with the coyotes to rid the city of all non-littering humans.

This week’s squirrel-sourced aggression occurred at around 9:20 a.m. on Thursday, near the Cortelyou Road Q station. The Post reports that the squirrel ran through the Q train’s window before setting its sights on the train operator. Luckily, passengers were able to help her shoo the squirrel out, though it’s probably since burrowed a home for itself in Flatbush, biding its time until another unsuspecting human sticks a finger near it. The extent of the train operator’s injuries are unknown.

The squirrels are coming.

Published in Gothamist on Friday, May 29, 2015 

Up next: lawyers for animal rights

Revenge of The Rodents

Nudist Rodents have rights too

Yet the question remains… “Do transgender squirrel’s still get to keep their genitals?” In fact, this has become a force that drives some researchers nuts, or not. But future funding of this  XY controversy will give gender bent, bicurious hypno-theists a condition they still may have difficulty tucking in, or tying back.

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