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Oh Look a Squirrel…


Human Flesh-Craving Squirrels Are Attacking MTA Workers

Earlier this month, a squirrel in the Bronx bit an MTA worker’s finger, sending her to the hospital. Now, it appears squirrels have developed a taste for salty, delectable people flesh—a second MTA worker has been attacked by a squirrel, this time in the train car of a Coney Island-bound Q train. It’s unclear whether the same squirrel was coming back for seconds, or if the city’s squirrel population has teamed up with the coyotes to rid the city of all non-littering humans.

This week’s squirrel-sourced aggression occurred at around 9:20 a.m. on Thursday, near the Cortelyou Road Q station. The Post reports that the squirrel ran through the Q train’s window before setting its sights on the train operator. Luckily, passengers were able to help her shoo the squirrel out, though it’s probably since burrowed a home for itself in Flatbush, biding its time until another unsuspecting human sticks a finger near it. The extent of the train operator’s injuries are unknown.

The squirrels are coming.

Published in Gothamist on Friday, May 29, 2015 

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Yet the question remains… “Do transgender squirrel’s still get to keep their genitals?” In fact, this has become a force that drives some researchers nuts, or not. But future funding of this  XY controversy will give gender bent, bicurious hypno-theists a condition they still may have difficulty tucking in, or tying back.

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